Kids and Divorce | Talking to Your Children About Divorce

When hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion on kids and divorce remem­ber to express your love and com­mit­ment for your child to help them through this tough time.  Click here for more infor­ma­tion about talk­ing to kids about divorce.

The deci­sion to seek a divorce is always a very dif­fi­cult and emo­tional one to take.  There are so many dif­fer­ent things that need to be dealt with when fil­ing for divorce, includ­ing finan­cial and prop­erty issues.  If you are divorc­ing and have chil­dren then it becomes even more com­plex with issues of cus­tody and vis­i­ta­tion.  The first thing that you need to do is let your child know about the deci­sion to divorce and this can be an extremely dif­fi­cult con­ver­sa­tion to have.  It is impor­tant that you take some time and think how to address the issue so not to put any fur­ther emo­tional stress on the child.  Here are a few things to think about when talk­ing to your kids about divorce.

1. Where pos­si­ble make sure you have dis­cussed the con­ver­sa­tion with your spouse first.  Chil­dren crave sta­bil­ity and cer­tainty when it comes to their fam­ily.  If you can get agree­ment from your spouse about the mes­sage that you want to con­vey to your chil­dren you can both give them the same mes­sage.  Of course the child is going to be upset and have ques­tions but if they get the same answer from both par­ents their need for cer­tainty can still be met.
2. Use appro­pri­ate lan­guage for the age of the child.  As with any­thing with kids, one size does not fit all.  Every child is dif­fer­ent and you need to speak to them per­son­ally about your deci­sion to divorce.  If you have chil­dren of dif­fer­ent ages you will need to have a sep­a­rate con­ver­sa­tion with each of them.  It is no good talk­ing to a three year old and a ten year old using the same lan­guage as their lev­els of com­pre­hen­sion will be com­pletely dif­fer­ent.  Make an effort to ensure that each child under­stands the sit­u­a­tion and what is going to hap­pen in the future.
3. Con­vey your love and sup­port for the child.  it is impor­tant that your child knows it is the rela­tion­ship between you and your spouse that is chang­ing not the rela­tion­ship between the child and the par­ents.  Too often chil­dren feel some respon­si­bil­ity for the break down of the mar­riage and this is not the case.  If they do feel this respon­si­bil­ity then the process will become harder for all involved.
4. Do not use your child as an emo­tional shoul­der to cry on.  It is often easy to use your child for emo­tional sup­port dur­ing the dif­fi­cult time of divorce.  This is some­thing you need to avoid as the child does not have the emo­tional matu­rity to under­stand the com­plex issues that come along with a divorce.  Chil­dren need to see both their par­ents as strong and in con­trol so try to stay in con­trol when you are around your chil­dren and use a close friend or other fam­ily mem­ber as your emo­tional support.
5. Do not speak badly about your ex-spouse in front of your child.  As emo­tions run high dur­ing and after divorce pro­ceed­ings it is often easy to let these emo­tions boil over and speak badly of your ex-spouse in front of your child.  This is some­thing you should try not to do as a child is enti­tled to love and respect both par­ents equally.  You should remem­ber that the prob­lems you are fac­ing with your ex are your prob­lems, not the prob­lems of your child.

When hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion on kids and divorce remem­ber to express your love and com­mit­ment for your child to help them through this tough time.  Click here for more infor­ma­tion about talk­ing to kids about divorce.